Hindu Festivals: The time for Liberal Gyān

Welcome to that time of the year when people, especially celebrities, become acutely concerned about air pollution. If a celebrity or a blue tick liberal doesn’t start dispensing free-for-all all advice, it just isn’t Deepawali anymore. The only thing that gets shared more than Sohan Papdi during Deepawali is Gyān. Liberals are truly liberal with this ritual of sharing Gyān. But this distribution of Gyān isn’t restricted to Deepawali alone. It, fortunately, covers all Hindu festivals.

Liberals have started to fire their knowledge about firecrackers. Captain of the Indian Cricket team, Virat Kohli, has kindly and magnanimously consented to teach us how to celebrate safe and responsible Deepawali. It’s such a wonder how the followers of Sanātana Dharma have managed to survive for thousands of years without the price-less Gyān offered by Liberals and that too for free. The Hindus celebrated their dangerous festivals without even knowing how dangerous they were. Thanks to liberal Gyān, we now understand the humongous perils associated with the celebration of Hindu festivals.

We must keep our knowledge up to date. In fact, liberally updated. There are different types of firecrackers. Ignorance about firecrackers forces us to believe all firecrackers are the same. No, they are not! Here’s a broad classification and description of various types of firecrackers.

• Deepawali firecrackers: These dangerous, uneducated, and unscientific firecrackers cause horrible pollution and harm the environment. They also hurt the eardrums of celebrity dogs. Hence even the Courts impose a ban on them.
• Christmas – New year firecrackers: These special types of celestial fireworks emit Oxygen and absorb Carbon Dioxide. Celebrity canines love these beautiful pyrotechnics. Hence, India’s sensible and sensitive “Your Honors” don’t impose a ban on firecrackers after December 15.
• Celebrity firecrackers: These aren’t exactly firecrackers. They are better known as sparklers or Roman candles, like those illuminations that lit up the Borgo Finocchieto skies in Italy when Virat Kohli and Anushka Sharma tied the knot. These sparklers fix the holes in the Ozone layer apart from manufacturing Oxygen and leaving negative Carbon footprints. Celebrity dogs and bitches dance for joy during these gorgeous light and sound shows. The fireworks deployed during IPL and other Cricket events belong to this class. The Dubai fireworks show too, falls in the same category.

Poor animals are the worst affected during Deepawali. After undergoing the inhuman torture of Deepawali firecrackers, they develop severe psychological disturbances and commit mass suicide during Christmas and Bakrid. Hence the ban on Deepawali firecrackers is a humanitarian necessity. PETA too recognises this fact when they return to office after the mandatory Bakrid holidays.

Sivakasi in Tamil Nadu happens to be the most dangerous place on Earth. They manufactured those pollutant firecrackers, and it was a staggering Rs 5000 crore polluting business. Thankfully, Liberals, Courts and celebrities have almost shut the polluting businesses down in Sivakasi. We now have to import non-polluting and eco-friendly firecrackers from China. In these turbulent times of strained Indo-Chinese relationships, this liberal act must be applauded as a right step forward. Or should we call it a left step forward? This must help us towards the normalisation of India and China relationships to the bonhomie of 2008 when the Indian National Congress and Communist Party of China signed a party-to-party memorandum of understanding (MoU) for mutual understanding and cooperation.

Apart from the Deepawali firecrackers business, there are other avenues where Deepawali needs reforms. In fact, all Hindu festivals are begging for reforms. A famous fashion garment brand is celebrating Indian traditions associated with Deepawali as Jashn-e-Riwaaz or “Festival of Traditions”. They are strengthening India’s secular “fabric” and adding brand new egalitarian threads with each Hindu festival. Deepawali gifts become Tohfa-e-Khaas. Doing away with Sanskrit and Hindi is absolutely essential to “Smash Brahmanical Patriarchy”. Persian, Urdu and Arabic languages are languages of empowerment of the poor, oppressed and women. They are also lilting, beautiful and most importantly, not Brahminical.

The entire liberal world is working really hard to reform the horrendous Hindu festivals, banning fireworks and telling people about those dangerous sweets used in Deepawali. Those fattening, sugar-filled, Cholesterol laden and Triglyceride manufacturing sweets need to be eliminated to “save” and “salvage” Hindus. These treacherous sweets need to be replaced with healthy and nutritious Cakes and Kebabs.

Sivakasi in Tamil Nadu happens to be the most dangerous place on Earth. They manufactured those pollutant firecrackers, and it was a staggering Rs 5000 crore polluting business. Thankfully, Liberals, Courts and celebrities have almost shut the polluting businesses down in Sivakasi. We now have to import non-polluting and eco-friendly firecrackers from China. In these turbulent times of strained Indo-Chinese relationships, this liberal act must be applauded as a right step forward. Or should we call it a left step forward? This must help us towards the normalisation of India and China relationships to the bonhomie of 2008 when the Indian National Congress and Communist Party of China signed a party-to-party memorandum of understanding (MoU) for mutual understanding and cooperation

We’re going through a prolonged and sustained phase of reforming Hindus in general and Hindu festivals in particular. We have Deepawali without firecrackers. Waterless Holi sans colours. Durga Puja without immersion or deferred immersion. Azan in Durga Pooja pandals. Eco-friendly Ganesh Chathurti with the regulated size of idols. Temples without Diyas. Temples without bells and conchs. Saving milk during Shiv Pooja. Onam without Vamana. Makar Sankranti minus kites that hurt the birds. Dahi Handi without Dahi Handi. The final aim is to achieve a civilised India with a reformed Hinduism. Unless Hindus accept the Monotheism and supremacy of a Male God from the Middle East, we will never be able to respect women, attain gender equality and achieve the kind of feminism that prevails in Arabia.

We’re on the right path to reforms. The Gyān givers are leading the pagans of India on that path. From the feudal and patriarchal society oppressed by Brahminism, the liberals are taking us towards a society of equality and justice, like the ones that prevail in Arabia, Afghanistan, Pakistan and Bangladesh. According to the “Idea of India” of Nehruvian legacy, India can be civilised by Islamisation.