Handling a changing society?
By MV Kamath?
This article is not about politics but about people and the tectonic changes that are silently taking place in our society and are subject to little public discussion. The changes are most noticeable among the middle and upper middle class, which form about 35 to 40 per cent of the population and number between, say, 340 to 400 million, which, by any reckoning is a lot. I am conscious that I may be charged with generalisation, considering the sheer vastness of our country and the fragmentation of society, castewise. According to available statistics there are as many as 1,108 castes spread across 25 states and 744 tribes spread across 22 states and obviously the extent of social changes castewise cannot necessarily be the same.
Having said that there are certain points that need to be raised in the context of rapid social changes. The rate of changes in the last one decade has been greater than at any time in the past centuries, primarily, one suspects because of developing technology. One is the increasing assertion of young women of their independence and ability to take care of themselves resulting in a growing demand for divorce. There are reports of divorces being sought within three months of marriage! More and more women are going in for higher education with but one desire: to be self-reliant and not be dependent whether on parents or in marriage.
I have the privilege of personally engaging students in conversations because of my status as an honorary director of an educational institution that has over 80 per cent female students. Hardly any contemplate early marriage. They know their minds and are very clear of what future they want to look forward to. They want employment, a good salary, substantial savings. In marriage – in their late twenties – they look for a husband who earns over a lakh of rupees per month, who has no desire for progeny and is willing to give their partner space to be herself. They are not averse to explore the possibility of ‘live-in’ but are chary of it. Even those who want children would prefer to put it off till late in their twenties, wishing to savour freedom for at least a decade.
Given such a mind-set, one wonders how much love and attention a child may get with a mother in her early thirties. Instances are available of parents sending their children by the time they are around eight to ten to boarding schools, away from home. Another development is just as painful. Newly-married couples want their privacy and are averse to have their parents stay with them. The parents are either treated as caretakers of grand children or as supernumeraries who are best put in Old Age Homes. Noted in many cases is Care Deficiency in parent-son relationship. This becomes more evident in cases where parents, having spent their savings for the education of their children become a financial liability in their old age.
This is only one aspect of human relationship that is noticeable in cities, with couples having to share limited apartment space with their elders. The situation gets worse if couples beget children. Very often it is the children who get most affected considering they don’t have enugh space to grow. Living in crowded areas with no playground to relax they tend to turn inward. The situation gets worse when both parents are employed and there is no one to receive a child when it returns home from school. Parents themselves who return home can be tense and unable to provide the warmth a child needs and deserves. And when they turn to watch their favourite channels late at night, inevitable children feel let down. That could be one reason why parent-son relationship turns out to be cold as the years pass.
Meanwhile, a fresh development has taken place which merits close examination: the coming of the computer, the laptop and growth of numerous websites capable of doing immense arm to growing children. Not only do elders get attracted to this access to whatever, but more so are growing children who see in their laptops an escape from daily reality.
In the age of Internet, Google and other channels of doubtful reputation, children are inevitably drawn away from their parents. So great is the demand among grown up children for laptops that parents dare not refuse to provide them with them at pain of total alienation. So great is young peoples’ addiction to their laptops that the former find no time to relate to their parents, or their elders or even to their friends. In a laptop they find relief. Hours are spent in playing with them that can do them immense harm, considering the nature of what many channels provide such as pornography, sex and crime. True, there are several software available in the market that filter and block objectionable sites and e-mail, but there is no way for parents to keep watch on their inquisitive children. Either parents keep the laptops under lock and key and give them to the children only when they are around or leave it to Fate. Which latter, seems to be the case.
One can well-imaging what this forebodes. In the first place, children find no time to read books; in the second place they have no time to make friends. The laptop becomes the teenager’s friend, philosopher and guide. And full-time companion. Where is the place for the parents in such a situation? Who can draw the laxman rekha on what channel the young one can visit and which channel is forbidden? At what age can a teenager claim the right to privacy? Where does the parents’ responsibility begin and where does it end? Questions, questions.
When family planning was conceived there was no way anybody could have dreamt of computers, websites and laptops. Nor could they possibly have thought of the damage of what urban development could do to families. The joint family is now a thing of the past. Only a joint family can present an opportunity to the young to get emotionally enriched through daily interaction with sisters, brothers, cousins, friends, not to speak of grandparents. Urbanisation has given a deadly blow to family togetherness. And technology is serving to finish off emotional growth. And instances are increasing of the young complaining of psychic disturbances and despondency. Is there a way out? Not that one can think of.
Laptops can’t be banned, nor can computers. And living has become so costly and education so expensive, that one can hardly blame couples wishing to work for a living. One is damned if one has children and one is damned if one doesn’t have them. A way out has to be found, but as yet no one has taken the trouble to find one. When a society is in transition and values are undergoing unprecedented challenges as they are today, it is hard to lay down what is right and what is wrong. It is said, for example, that families which pray together, stay together. Do families sit together in their small homes to pray together? Even more importantly, do they pray at all? Are religious rites observed? A survey may reveal some interesting insights into the average citizen’s day-to-day life.
This is not a specifically Indian approach. Churches are closing down in the West; few want to take priesthood as an acceptable profession. Some months ago an American Weekly (Newsweek) had a cover story which said “Now We Are All Hindus” conveying the impression that Christianity as a practised religion is steadily going downhill. Are things better in middle class India?
I would be happy to get challenging replies.
(The writer is senior columnist and former editor, Illustrated Weekly)?
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