INSTANT wisdom being the exclusive prerogative of the Nehru-Gandhi-Vadras, it is but natural that revered Rahulji, the ready-made leader of Congress, should launch his illustrious political career with establishing his sterling secular credentials. And how can secular credentials be credibly established except by trashing anything and everything Hindus?
So in his first ever interview to the media, he declared, “…My vision of India… the way I was brought up… (is) to think of everyone as Indian. That´s why a force like Hindutva is unIndian, because it sets up exclusive areas of Indianness in a civilisation which has never been that way.” So there! Thus spake the master, and all doubts should be resolved. Unfortunately, this curious cuss, being a devilish doubting Thomas, cannot help wondering about a couple of things. For instance, righteous Rahul thinks of ´everyone as Indian´, but according to the Geographical Dictionary of Ancient India, edited by Nandlal Dey, the Greek word Indu stood for both ´Hindus´ and ´India´.
In other words, an Indian was automatically a Hindu. In still other words, when Rahul calls everyone an Indian, he could very well be calling every Indian a Hindu. Could anti-secular semantic be so calamitously communal? ´Calamitously´ because if every Indian is a Hindu, Rahul´s ´exclusive areas of Indianness´ actually become inclusive areas of Hinduness. Then there is another problem for this perverse penpusher. Being a journalist, he is by definition illiterate-a fact that has been confirmed by his (ab)use of the Gora Sahib´s lingo for half a century. Every time he is in doubt (which is all too often), he looks up a dictionary for the right meaning. So then, what exactly did Rahul mean when he learnedly lamented “exclusive areas” of Indianness? Did he mean heinous Hindutva meant wretchedly reserving them exclusively for Hindus?
But in that case, even if this latest, revised and improved edition of Gandhian wisdom trashes the RSS concept of cultural Hindutva (which the Superme Court has supported) and talks only of those Hindus who follow a cretain mode of worship, can such Hindus be called an exclusive community in a country in which they number 85 per cent of the population? Satiricus did not know, but the dictionary did. It said exclusive means restricted only to a few. Then, even if something applies only to Hindus in Hindustan, that is India, does it remain exclusive, or does it become general, the opposite of exclusive? Oh, well, Satiricus has been writing English, but Rahulji has been living in America, and are not England and America divided by the same language? Anyway, when the interviewer asked how he will fight Hindutva, Rahul replied, “I have ideas, but I am not going to tell you.” Now, now, should this dynastic deity of deliverance be so cruel to secular supplicants like Satiricus? Should this latter-day saint of secularism not realise that the world awaits his revelation with bated breath on how he will demolish the demon of Hindutva?
Fortunately for the world, he has at least given an idea of his ideas-“I want to push India, the way every one in America pushes America.” Well, now, what do you know? Satiricus did not imagine that the intractable Indian problem had such an easy American solution. But how did this Indian-in-America find it? The answer is that ´very talkative´ Rahulji ´used to always talk´ to Americans, but ´nobody´ asked about his religion, and so ´you should definitely not mess with religion´.
How very enlightening! Ignorant Satiricus learns from Gandhiji (not the first Gandhiji but the latest Gandhiji) that the Americans do not ´mess´ with religion-except that they declare their trust in God on their dollar coin, except that they come all the way here to ´pray for India´ in order to save it from Hindu hell, except that they denigrate Deepavali of the Hindus and abuse Allah of the Muslims in filthy words, except that their Generals openly proclaim they fight wars in the name of Jesus Christ, except that their publishers bring out glossy magazines to popularise the Bible with today´s trendy teens and except that American Christian missions operating throughout the non-Christian world are among the richest American MNCs.
Does all this mean revered Rahulji will fight the ´un-Indian´ force of Hindutva with the imported force of Christianity? Is that the ´vision for India´ that this latest avatar of secularism has in mind? Not being a visionary like Rahul Gandhi, Satiricus does not know. So all that Satiricus can say is that while Rahul Gandhi apparently knows all the history of the Indian civilisation, he has been too busy to learn some minor historical details about the American civilisation-details of how the forbears of today´s Americans murderously ´messed´ with the religion and culture of the Mayas, Incas and Aztecs of South and Central America to bring an all-Christian America into being. But then, all that is history.
We must push ahead. At least Rahul Gandhi is determined to push us Indians along the American way. But ideas apart, what actual programme could and/or should Rahulji launch for the Americanisation of Indians? What infallible instrument should he fashion for this terrible-sorry, terrific-transformation? Here, if it pleases your secular worship, Satiricus has a suggestion-he can counter and crush the RSS only with an RSS of his own-a Rahul Swayamsevak Sangh. And Uncle Sam could set it up for him. Now that Sam Pitroda is already campaigning for his dear departed friend´s son, conjuring up on the computer a brand new RSS should be no problem. And if revered Rahulji is too busy elsewhere-say, in Colombia-to attend the daily Shakha, how about Sarsanghchalak Sam?