Vijaya Dashami! It was that time of the year for the Indian Left Liberals (with the apt acronym ILL) to remember Ravan. Yes, they had to eulogise Ravan and had to contribute their share of literature to the cause of remembering Ravan, the gentleman Dravidian Hero wronged by the Aryan Ram. Thus Comrade ILL was getting ready to pen his article, to be published on a Leftist, Dravidian portal and to be shared on WhatsApp, Twitter and Facebook among other social media platforms.

The Ganja was just right and the dizzy smoke was taking the Comrade to the edge. Yes, edge is the place where he got all his revolutionary inspiration to write about Mahishasura and Durga, Mahabali and Vamana and many more interpretations that had taken the Liberal world by storm and created burning sensation in the bigoted Hindu Right Wing world of Brahminical tyranny.

Today, Comrade ILL was going to thrash the Anti-women, Anti-Dravidian, Anti-Tamil and Hindu Supremacist Aryan Ram. “The world will applaud when we finally deliver justice to Comrade Ravan,” he thought and dragged in a deep puff and then exhaled with relish. Instead of the smoke clouding the room, it started to dissipate and a gigantic figure with a ferocious look and a handlebar moustache began to form in front of the Comrade. He rubbed his eyes in disbelief, cursing himself under the breath, “Some strong stuff this is. I’ve gone bonkers with just a few drags. Must tell Arundhati Ma’am to get me same stuff in future. Uff…”

The ferocious figure was speaking now, “It isn’t the stuff Son, it is the stud before you; the one you were seeking. I am Ravan!” Comrade is laughing now, “Haha, you’re joking. But a good joke. Who are you? With that exotic costume, you look like you’ve come straight from the sets of some Telugu movie. Ravan and English, Haha!”

The ferocious figure had become even scarier in anger and he shouted, “You worm of a man from Kaliyuga ! Do you think it is a joke? We can communicate in any language once we have gone through the cycle of birth and death. I am the Emperor of Swarna Lanka and I am Ravan. Which language do you think I should speak to you?” Comrade sat up with a startle.

“Tamil! I can understand Tamil. Isn’t that your language? Please talk in Tamil.” Comrade replied eagerly. “Nonsense,” boomed Ravan, “Tamil? There was no such language in my times. We spoke Sanskrit. But unfortunately you won’t understand that beautiful language. That’s why I’m speaking in English. Since you remembered me, I’m offering you the privilege to see me and talk to me. You can ask me your doubts because you want to write about me.”

Comrade is too thrilled for words. He now had the greatest opportunity of his life. He was going to shake the entire edifice of Hindutva world and finish them off with a first hand narration from Ravan himself about all the ill-treatment meted out to him. He asks, “OK, Ravan Bro, tell me about how Aryan Ram cheated Dravidian Ravan. I will put your story before people who keep burning you every year during Vijaya Dashami. I want your story, Ravanayan to be heard by these cultureless worshippers of Ram.”

A perplexed Ravan said, “Aryan Ram, and Dravidian Ravan? What the hell are you talking? I know Ramachandra, the Prince of Ayodhya. I was the King of Swarna Lanka. We fought a war in which he vanquished me. I don’t know any Aryan and Dravidian. Who are they?” Comrade ILL isn’t convinced and asks, “What? Didn’t the Sanskrit-speaking Aryan Supremacist invader Ram attack you, the Tamil-speaking, South Indian Dravidian King ? You see, you were a lower caste Dalit leader and Ram was the Brahminical oppressor. Wasn’t the Brahminical Patriarchy forced on you and your people, the dark skinned native tribes of India?”

“Gobbledygook!” Ravan shouted, “Dark skinned native tribe and lower caste? You mindless blind bat, can’t you see me? I am a fair-skinned Brahmin by birth. It was Ram who was dark-skinned. Look at my sacred thread. I am a Janeudhari Shiv Bhakt. Not like your Rahul Gandhi but a genuine one. My father Vishrava was a Brahmin sage and my mother Kaikasi was a Shiv Bhakta Kshatriya Princess. Because my mother’s family indulged in demonic behavior, I became a Brahma Rakshasa. What kind of history have they taught you?”

A frustrated Comrade asks, “You mean, you’re not South Indian Dravidian?” Ravan replies, “I told you, I am from Swarna Lanka. There were no Dravidian or Gravidian people in our times.” Having lost the hope of rocking the Hindutva boat, Comrade ILL changes tack, “It’s OK, I want to congratulate you for being such a perfect gentleman. Even though Sita was in your captivity, you never raped her. You respected women. You kidnapped Sita because Laxman had insulted your sister, Shurpanaka. Modern day men have a lot to learn from you about respecting women while Ram was such a misogynist who sent his pregnant wife to the jungle even after she had passed Agni Pariksha, the trial by fire.”

Ravan had a roaring, hearty laugh. Controlling himself after a long bout of laughter, he speaks again, “You people are so ignorant and funny. I had raped several women before I abducted Sita. I don’t even have a count of them. But three of those women created problems for me. I tried to rape Vedavati. She committed self-immolation with the promise to be born again and destroy me. That reincarnation was Sita. The second woman who got me into trouble was Rambha. She cursed me to be forever known as Brahma Rakshasa. Punjikasthala was the third woman I raped and earned the wrath of Brahma, the creator and my ancestor. He cursed me that my head would be crushed into thousand pieces if I were to rape a woman again. That was the reason I never touched Sita because my past was loaded against me. So there was nothing noble about it. I was just scared of the curses.”

Comrade ILL’s vision was turning hazy and his heart weighed heavily. How could Ravan betray him? What all dreams he had in mind to smash Brahminical Patriarchy! Everything was turning into a nightmare. Comrade was now in Greta Thunberg mood. He pleaded with Ravan, “How dare you, Oh Ravan ! How dare you talk like a Sanghi historian? You are our hero, the face of Tamil pride and the father of Dravidian legacy. How dare you deny all that and say you were a Brahmin? How dare you say Ram was not an Aryan Supremacist and invader? You even confess you had too many #MeToo cases against you. How dare you shatter all our efforts to paint you a hero? It’s depressing but I need to take a Selfie with you. At least, I want to convince the people that I actually met Ravan, the Great!”

Ravan smiles and replies, “See my son, I was a cruel demon. I was a Rakshasa. I was a rapist. I kidnapped a noble person’s wife and I was punished for all my misdeeds. I realised my follies on my deathbed. I cannot afford to be proud of a lot of things I did when I was alive. But one thing I am proud about is, I never was a Communist. That is why I cannot create a false history, a fake narrative and feign ignorance of truth. You may not like what I have admitted. That is your prerogative. But I feel better being honest, at least in death.”

The haze before the eyes was back. The smokescreen was back. The intoxication was back in the air and Ravan dissolved inside the smoke. There was going to be no Selfie with Ravan. Comrade rubbed his eyes again and he found his hands were wet. He was crying copiously, “What a betrayal ! This cannot be Ravan. This just cannot be my Ravan. This should not have been Ravan. I cannot write anything good about this wimp, this coward. I cannot glorify a man who is proud because he was never a Communist. Ravan never deserved a Selfie with me, the future of Communism in India. I will put him in his place. I will teach him a lesson he will never forget even in death!”

Comrade ILL wrote on “The Indian Left Liberal” portal, “We must remember Ram never existed. But Ravan symbolises everything that is wrong about the Hindu Rape Culture in Brahminical India. Hindustan is Rapistan because of Brahmins like Ravan. We don’t need a misogynist Ram to burn the rapist Ravan. We need educated and empowered women to destroy Ravan. We need great women like Malala Yousafzai, Shehla Rashid, Rehana Fathima, Trupti Desai, Barkha Dutt, Mamta Banerjee and Rana Ayyub to smash Brahminical Patriarchy. We need Communism to free India of rape culture. Ravan is dead, long live Periyar!”