Something must be radically wrong with Satiricus. Why don'tpeople call him the most important person of the world, or of the century, or what have you? Look at Rafiq Zakaria, the Indian editor of an American magazine. Since he became a columnist for the Indian Express, the Express not only keeps printing a large photo of the man, but keeps repeating that he is among the 21 most influential people of the 21st century. Then look at Aishwarya Rai, a film actress. The American magazine Time has rated her as one of the 100 most influential people in the world. Now Satiricus can understand why he is not as influential as Aishwarya Rai. It is simply because he is a mere male. But what does pen-pusher Zakaria have that pen-pusher Satiricus hasn?t? Is it that Satiricus is a disgustingly desi fellow with no connection to the enlightened American media?
As per the Indian Express motto, ?The truth involves us all?, and the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the American truth seems to be that only American media has the wisdom to decide the world'sor the century'smost influential people, or the most important. This being so, Satiricus may not be ridiculously wrong in thinking that Rafiq Zakaria must have influenced the US President into going to war against Iraq, and/or that Aishwarya Rai must be the world'smost important person after Jesus Christ-just as Sanjay Gandhi was after the Buddha.
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That our secularism is perpetually in danger is a truism. So long as there is a single Hindu in Hindusthan, there is a clear and present danger. And this danger is growing because yesterday'smeek Hindu mice are today becoming manly. This is bad enough, but what is far worse is that the terrible toxin of Hindu manliness seems to be infecting our secularists. Take ?simply barbaric?, the simply shocking Indian Express editorial on the Bangladesh killing of an Indian army officer. Its truculent tone is really reprehensible, almost alarming. ?This is nothing but an act of extraordinary barbarity?, it says. Now, now, is this the way to talk about a Muslim State generously carved out of secular India? ?It deserves to be strongly condemned,? adds the editorial. Ok, ok, we may condemn it, we may even condemn it strongly, but when the edit abominably adds ?(it) requires appropriately calibrated punishment?, it is clearly overstepping the limit of precious pusillanimity that passes for Indian secularism. Indian secularists punishing Bangladeshi secularists? God forbid! Are not the Bangladeshis just repeating the history of killing Indians (without this time, stringing their dead bodies like slaughtered animals)? Then should not our secular establishment repeat our history of wringing our hands? Every time Bangladesh cocks a snook at us, we must grin and bear it-and the grin must be sheepish enough to be secular. Let us never forget the defining difference between secular sheep and anti-secular rams.
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Now the Americans want France and other UN members to contribute money to rebuild the Iraq they have devastated. So a member of the House of Representatives has circulated a letter to fellow-members saying that ?French? should be restored to fries and toast. Now, isn'tthat a tasty morsel of news?
It is said that the way to a man'sheart lies through his stomach. So, Satiricus is not surprised to see that this holds true even in the field of international relations. Angry with the French opposition to the American war on Iraq, US law-makers had ordered that the menu cards in the dining halls of the House of Representatives remove ?French? from French Fries and French Toast, and rename them Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast. But times have changed and political palates have changed with them. Now the Americans want France and other UN members to contribute money to rebuild the Iraq they have devastated. So a member of the House of Representatives has circulated a letter to fellow-members saying that ?French? should be restored to fries and toast. Now, isn'tthat a tasty morsel of news? It shows that the American way to a Frenchman'sheart lies through French fries. But then, the Brits are ntasty morsel of news? It shows that the American way to a Frenchman'sheart lies through French fries. But then, tasty morsel oftasty morsel of news? It shows that the American way to a Frenchman'sheart lies through French fries. But then, the Brits are ntasty morsel of news? It shows that the American way to a Frenchman'sheart lies through French fries. But then,tasty morsel of tasty morsel of news? It shows that the American way to a Frenchman'sheart lies through French fries. But then, the Brits are nn too much salt. Oh, my gosh! How can the British be so boorish? And what is wrong with globalisation through gluten? And why beef about beef?
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Talking about globe-girdling McDonald, which seems to be as omnipresent as God, it is tremendous news for us globalised Indians that even the chapati we make of our wheat flour may be patented by an MNC like Monsanto. For it is recently reported that after Basmati and neem, Indian wheat has attracted international attention and Monsanto has patented wheat ?invented? by crossing a traditional Indian variety with another wheat variety. The patent has been given by the European Patent Office in Munich for not only biscuits and other bakery products but even for making dough from the wheat. So there! It is time for us multinational Indians to pray-?Oh Lord, give us this day our patented bread?. Unfortunately, our scientists and farmers are too Indian to understand the glory of globalisation. They say it is a clear case of theft. As if this inexcusable Indianness in not bad enough, even the international NGO, Greenpeace, agrees with these myopic morons, and says, ?Monsanto is targeting and stealing from Indian farmers who have cultured this specific variety of wheat for centuries.? How ridiculous! What Indians did for centuries is centuries-old history, and what do we forward-looking Indians have to do with backward history? Nothing-as Arjun Singh will assure us. It should be patently obvious to us modern multi-Indians that an American patent is the guiding principle of Indian life.